L o S T
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
still out of sync...
My life that is...
I wonder if i'll ever post happy stuff on this blog haha...maybe someday...
So how are things going you ask...my feelings for drill haven't changed much...
I can't even come up with a word on how to describe how i do feel
I'm Frustrated...
Like seriously sometimes i sit and watch as Drill Team carries out its business and i just want to escape...i dont want the stress...i dont want the drama.
I even question my friends in drill now...more specifically my best friends (supposedly)...There's this certain person that, i swear, is only friends with me when it is convinient with her. Like seriously i get chided at for simply being myself. I feel like a lower class next to a friend like that, the way i get treated when she has better things to do. Like if your my friend...be my friend all the time...not every other day! It's either that or don't bother being my friend at all!!!
I swear like if u really care about being my friend...show it...other than that i guess i have one less best friend to deal with. That's my loss i guess but i really can't have it any other way.
There are certain people in drill that i absolutely don't like. It seriously takes a lot from their part for me not to like somoene, i mean seriously, i get along and i like everybody!!! No joke! I think people seriously wake up in the morning just to get on my bad side...and i'm getting tired of it! If i don't like you I'm going to start showing it...it's only fair because it is the person's fault for getting on my bad side. Like i said...it is very hard for me not to like someone, but if i get into that position then thats your fault and i'm going to act the way i'll act and i mean if you take offense from my actions, tough! It's not anything unfair...its something you did to yourself basically.
And sometimes i wonder why i don't like the feeling i have in drill...
Sunday, January 26, 2003
hmm...haha my life is totally out of sync dude...
I worry too much, and stress over the smallest things.
Maybe it's a sign of growing up...who knows?
I'm going to Ktown today, but I really don't know how everything will work out. Usually i would worry and fret about certain stuff, but i decided to forget it. I'll deal with things when they come up.
Camille's present isn't finished yet...and the more i work on it...the less i think of it. It's the thought that counts...rite? What if she doesn't like it...oh well, i guess i'll juss put the effort into it for myself. I'll make it nice for my own self-satisfaction then i'll give it to her...at least one of us would like the gift.
Hmm...I won't even fret about that until after church
The weekend was a bust...Not a total one, but enough of one for me to want to get away from everything. I would love to run away but I would feel bad leaving the team behind. I still feel helpless in Drill...I feel helpless when i watch my team and be powerless to help them.
How can I ever bring back my first year? I can't...Over the weekend I have made a few mistakes myself...I guess everyone's human.
If you lose...don't lose the lesson.
Haha i must have a million lessons learned by now...but i guess i did lose them. I doubt it...I still learned them but i have to remember them.
Next week is the the second to the last of the introductory competitions we are going to have. I actually perform at this one but it isn't very major in its accord. I wonder if our team will succeed this year. I think we need to pick up the pace and work harder. I've seen our competition, they totally blew us and our best dancer out of the water. I'm worried about friendships this year. Does our team have what it takes to be the darling of competition again? None of our current captains did much to make friends last year...it was all Glenn and Grant. Maybe I can figure out a way. I would love to be friends with all these great teams, but i get really scared. I won't worry about that now...things will happen when they do.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
umm...Poetry?
Constantly I wonder
As I always think of you
May I figure out
In all hastiness...
Life as it were be
Like a new day downing
Everytime I am lost
The last thing i would want in the world is to fall for someone too good for me...
But i have to patient...I'll find my heart out there somewhere.
Monday, January 20, 2003
I'm really tired...
Too many things happened today…
It was Janice’s Debut and it was a blast!
I really don’t know what I want to say…
As of now I am really tired…not just fatigued…but low spirited. There was a lot of people at the debut today…Camille was there…of course Maja was there…Haha I guess I don’t really know how to express what is on my mind right now…
I feel…lost…I guess I really want to not like anyone right now…that is the whole basis of why I took the challenge in the first place. But it is really hard to accomplish when the certain people that move you are in the room…I guess I would have to learn how to not be attracted to them…I don’t even know if that’s remotely possible. Maybe this challenge is a failure…maybe I’m going about these things all wrong…I don’t even understand how the challenge works in its entire-rity…(that’s not a word I know…but its midnight and I’m really extremely tired).
The challenge is going for a whole year straight…without relationships…without romantic relationships…other then that there’s pretty much wishy washy rules…that can be bent easily…I get lost sometimes and forget what the challenge is about…especially when the reasons I took the challenge come into the room…I blank out and forget why I wanted to take the challenge in the first place.
Why did I take it? I took it because…
Because I was smart enough to know that my feelings for certain people would go on unrequited…and instead of falling prey to heartbreak again…I decided to devise the challenge so I wouldn’t be allowed to follow my feelings…and thus prevent getting hurt…
But I am hurt…in a way…it’s not pain really…it’s just a longing for something that isn’t there…its an emptiness…
Did I devise any New Year’s resolutions since my last post? I guess I would start going to HOJ again…competition season is coming up still…and I am very out of place in HOJ…I wonder if I can accomplish to set out and become an HOJ regular again. HOJ reminds me so much of that feeling I have for Maja and Camille…the longing for another…and unrequited feelings…
I wish I could just understand the ways to have a best friend…
If things in this world were that easy…I would be able to go up to girls that I know that I have feelings for…but be comfortable with them with the notion that I am not trying for anything beyond their friendship…But that’s really a two way street…Before I could feel un-awkward with them…they have to have that thing within their personality that allows me to be who I am…so far Bev and Freda are really good examples of this theory…
How do I transfer feelings of affections…into feelings of friendship…With Freda’s and Bev’s case they both knew I had feelings for them…but despite that they still talked to me…and that made it really easy for me to get over them…and share a really close friendship.
Freda and Bev are unique in their own right for that…
I doubt I will see Maja or Cammy anytime soon (which is probably a good thing…) maybe I’ll be more mature when I do see them next…and I will be able to go beyond my attraction to them…and actually find something more worthwhile underneath.
I will really miss the cotillion though…I assume nobody really knows, but coming to Ktown on Sundays…really…that was the heart of my week. I would look forward to the long bus ride there even…as long as I could visit Jennifer’s house later…or kick it with the cotillion. But I know that it couldn’t last forever right?
I have to move on…maybe I’ll concentrate more in drill…or HOJ…who really knows…
But I will miss Ktown…
No more Matthew, Bev, John, Jennifer, Carlos, Clarissa, Chris, Tuly, Derrick, Necole, Marco, Kiki, CJ, Freda, Ralph, Janice…
Maja…Camille too…
Well actually I might see Matthew, Bev, Jennifer, CJ, and definitely Freda, again…
But I will miss the rest…See you guys again if our destiny’s decide to cross paths again.
