L o S T
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
hmm...i almost lost my challenge...
it was too subtle to notice really, i was just thinking about it right now...
I almost lost it because i lost sight of the reason i took the challenge.
Thanks to Freda i was able to catch myself before i actually fell. Reading her blog, and talking to her reminded me of what i was in this game for.
Within this challenge, i really only have one weakness and it is Camille.
That is no surprise really.
Why did i take this challenge you ask? Because of Cammy.
I guess i got tired of putting myself in positions where i would definitely get hurt, and i felt like this was a situation were that exactly was going to happen.
I put up this challenge in hopes to learn how to control my emotions, and actions a little bit better.
Recently i have admitted to myself that i do like her, but thanks to Freda, that i found out there are different definitions to the word "like"
As a guy i was raised with the idea, that if you like someone you would want to go for them and etc. The girl idealogy is that, liking someone is a feeling. This means that its alrite to like someone, someone who has a bf for example. To like a girl like that isn't a crime because, seriously, no one can fight their feelings for another. It's a different story to go and try to go for her though. That's what i can't do. That's were Freda helped out. She introduced me into the idea that its okay to like her because it's still very innocent.
"As guys we know that liking someone means you want a relationship with them, girls on the other hand put a different emphasis on the word like. A girl can basically like someone, and that's all there is to it. To girls to like someone is just a simple emotion, it's like being happy, or being sad. They don't need any fulfillment from the person they like, because they have a better grasp on the concept of liking someone."
Girls and guys do live in separate worlds...it may seem a little complicated at first to understand how each other works, but if one doesn't try to comprehend, one won't get anywhere either. Girls are complicated, and guys are confusing after all. For relationships to work, a bridge between the two mindsets must be set up.
Slowly i hope to learn more along the lines of that ideology, it actually helped somewhat.
But when Freda introuduced me into that state of mind, i guess i lost sight of the challenge and got overcome by the idea that it would be okay if i liked Camille. Recently i've caught myself into heading towards the direction of pursuing her more. And that is the line i must not cross within this challenge.
I was on the verge of doing stuff like calling her and etc., and on the verge of getting rejected in my mind with expectations that were never meant to be fulfilled presently. I was on the verge of looking for something else other then mere friendship. But i realized that doing so will break the challenge i have set for myself...and worse, throw me into another chaotic experience, the same kind that i usually go through wen i seek a relationship.
I feel that it would be alright if i did call Cammy, but, under my own decision, i can't call her as of now because my motives wouldn't be in the right mindset. If i was looking for nothing more than a friendly chat then the situation would be different.
I should let things flow for now, get a hold of my emotions again before they get out of control.
Thanx Freda, for opening a world to me most guys will never see.
Long live the Challenge!!!
